Barks n' Bites from the Yellow Dog

Submit a question for the "Yellow Dog" to chew on at: yellowdog@firedupmissouri.com. It can be a political, historical, or an opinion question. "Yellow Dog" will feature the most interesting questions along with a most interesting answer.

Dear Yellow Dog,

Did you go to Sturgis, SD, for the bikers' gathering?  And, is it true what I read in the Pet Inquirer: you got a tattoo while you were there?

(Signed) Heide Ho 

Dear Ms. Ho,

I've been a biker ever since I learned to ride in a circus act when I was a pup balancing on the handlebars.  When I go to Sturtis, I hang out at the Full Throttle or One-Eyed Jacks--my two favorite watering holes.  The bikers always ask me to judge the beauty pageant.  Cindy McC. was the paws down favorite this year for Ms. Buffalo Chip, but politics kept us from giving her the crown she deserved.  

As to the alleged tattoo. The markings of which you speak were made by tire treads when I fell from the back of a Harley. But I'm recovering nicely here in Branson.

Let the good times roll.

(Signed) Your K-9 lovely, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow,

Do you know Rev. Jeremiah Wright or know any pooches who know him?  Please answer ASAP as I cannot continue taking your advice if you are a Wright follower.

(Signed) True Patriot

Dear Pat,

I once followed this dude into a 7-11 after he promised me some liverwurst on a pretzel.  I now fear that a Fox News team will start hounding me if I go public with this seamy revelation so, please, don't snitch on me."

(Signed) Your affectionate friend, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow One,

Any thoughts on McCain from your little yellow brain?

(Signed) John Q.

Dear Mr. Q,

Your canine insensitive reference to my coloring is offensive and I insist that you disavow and renounce it immediately.  Nonetheless, I will respond to your inquiry because it is my duty to eradicate ignorance where ever it rears its ugly head.

I wouldn't want Mr. Magoo holding my leash in the park.  I'd be afraid he'd run into a tree or make a preemptive strike on the guy with the sword on the bronze horse.  Or, chase some bearded bastard a 100 laps around the park while singing old Beach Boy medleys. 

The Republican's--deep down in their stem cells--have got to feel the same way.

Bone-jour, Yellow Dog

Dear YD,

We haven't heard a bark out of you recently.  Do the R's in southwest Missouri have you muzzled?

(Signed) N. Zone

Dear Zoney,

No one muzzles the Yellow Dog in her quest for truth, justice, and the canine way of life. 

I have been on holiday, as my Euro relatives would say. It being spring break, I've been cavorting on the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale, chasing Frisbees and getting the feel of sand and surf in my hair. 

Now, I am off again, this time, as a super-delegate to the "Obama Mommas" convention in Philadelphia.  I do hope my friend Hillary understands that while I admire her doggedness, Obama is a true pet pal.

Happy Tails, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog,

What's your view of Peter Kinder's future, oh, yellow one? 

Ludlow

Dear Lud,

Pedalin' Peter may be chopped liver in Kennyland, but he's one cool biker-dude.  He collected, labeled, and tested all those urine samples for the "Tour de Missour-rah" without confusing the specimens or spilling nary a drop.  I think Peter has a future as a lab technician.

Keep pedalin', Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yell,

Rudy Giuliani is hanging out on a Florida beach, waiting to take on the survivor of the early primaries.  Is that going to work for him?

Carmen Harrison

Dear Harry,

The Mayor's strategy is daring. Still, it was effective for William McKinley, who made speeches from his front porch in Canton, Ohio, while his wife served lemonade to the crowds.

I like to lay around on the front porch myself.  I'll even do a few tricks in exchange for some liver-flavored biscotti.  I nap in the afternoon, however, so plan your visits accordingly.

Your affectionate canine, Yellow Dog

Dear Yel,

Have you been to a Mike Huckabee event yet?

Bassan B. Proffer

Dear Prof,

I did attend one event.  The Huckabee Prayer and Pistol Club had a car wash in the Wal-Mart park lot to help the Arkansas rev.  It was an inspiration to see his followers praying and scrubbing and waving their guns. 

I do enjoy a good butt-kicking election campaign.

Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow,

I would like to send you a Christmas gift.  What do you suggest? 

(Signed) Kris Kringle

Dear Kris, 

How sweet you are and so appropriately named for the season.  Let's start by saying what I don't want.  Please no pet antlers, jingle collars, paw socks, or sequins. 

I do love a well-saturated fruitcake baked in the shape of a tennis ball.  Anything in rhinestones--my favorite fashion accessory--cashmere, or leather, (preferably rawhide),would be most welcomed.

(Signed) Joyeaux Noel, Yellow Dog

P.S. Or, a Bill O'Reilly's pooper-scooper would be nice.

Dearest Ms. Dog,

You have declared in the past that dogs have a sixth sense that allows them to see through people and know if they are telling the truth. Is "Larry the Toe Tapper" lying?

               (Signed) Concerned

Dear Connie,

Yes, we canines are the only species on the planet thus endowed--though Bush tried to make you think that he, too, could look into the soul of Putin and discern his true nature.

Larry is not a liar in the typical sense.  Politicians often take on two (or more)personas, but like actors, they recognize what they are doing. With Larry, it's different. He is Larry the Legislator at home and in the Senate, but he can transition to Larry the Lecher. Just as the full moon brings Dracula to "life," the whiff of a public bathroom excites Larry to lewdness.

He should not be allowed in any public restroom larger than an airplane cubicle.  I suggest that he start & carrying an empty mayonnaise jar for emergencies.

(Signed) Your affectionate soul-mate, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms.Dog,

I read that Ellen Degeneress adopted a dog from an animal shelter, but it didn't get along with her cats, so she gave it away to her hairdresser's kids. When the shelter rightfully reclaimed the dog and re-homed it, Ellen went to pieces on the air. How would you resolve this, oh, great and wise one?

                 (Signed) Orson Von Fredrick 

Dear Fred,

I've seen pictures of that dog and it is one ugly mutt. But,that aside, I think a little Solomonic justice is in order here. The custody of the dog should be awarded equally to all the parties involved, with visiting rights assigned and upkeep divided among the lot.

Yes, even Ellen should be required to do her share, even if it means outsourcing the cats during her stint. In the end, the mutt in question will benefit from the abundance of love and attention. 

(Signed) Your affection pooch, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow,

Speaking of the Larry Craig incident, why don't you ever hear of such behavior in women's restrooms? 

(Signed) Carlton Gibson

Dear Gib,

You are right and there is a reason for that.  Most often, women using a public restroom are encumbered with an oversize purse, shopping bags, and a youngster or two. 

Being thus occupied, they give no thought to such hanky-panky, unlike the Senator, who apparently had too much time on his hands and lots of rhythm in his feet.

As Momma always said, "Busy paws are happy paws."

(Signed) Yours in pursuit of virtue, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dog,

What do you think of Leona Helmsley dying and leaving $15 million to her white Maltese, named Trouble?

(Signed): Caleb George

Dear Cal,

That's enough dough to buy a lot of juicy bones, cushy dog beds, and exotic chew toys. Still, money can't buy happiness, they say. 

Do you have a cell phone number for Ms. Trouble?  I would like to get in touch with the canine heiress should she be in need of investment advice from one who has been around the hydrant a few times.

(Signed) Your faithful servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell,

You seems like a worldly pooch.  Were you aware of the bathroom code that Sen. Larry Craig was using in his potty pursuits?

(Signed)Just Wondering 

Dear Mr/Ms Wondering,

I once knew a Pomeranian who tapped his foot three times when he wanted something. Everyone thought him quite cute.  He must have been sending "nasty, naughty boy" signals all along and we didn't know it until Sen. Craig let us in on the secret.

Now that the Da Kinky Code has been broken, we can be more alert to deviant behavior.  But, to be on the safe side, I will continue to use the outdoor facilities, as is my custom.

(Signed) Your furry friend, Yellow Dog


Dear Ms. Dog,

Now that Karl Rove has left the White House, what do you expect him to do next?

(Signed) Paul Pettus 

Dear Pet,

He may have left the White House, but he is still in the Dog House politically.  He is one of those butt-kicking,  tail-stomping, bone-stealing guys that we in the animal kingdom learn to circle way around.

In the land of Oz, he is the Tin Man--no heart, no conscience, no values.  Karl's a sadly deformed individual with no desire to change.  Fortunately, for all of us his breed is a rarity.

(Signed) Your noble canine friend, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell,

Got any advice for "W" now that he's dropping like a rock in the polls?

(Signed) Todd Pierogi

Dear Roggy, 

Every friendless, godforsaken man needs a dog--a loyal, tail wagging, hand-licking pooch that makes him feel good all over.  One who will speak, fetch, roll over, or play dead on command. 

Barney tried to be the consummate lapdog, but he's been upstaged by Gonzo, who does a great imitation of a Chihuahua, has gorgeous brown eyes, chubby cheeks, and drools adoringly. George and Gonzo are the perfect match.

(Signed) Your warrior of the written word, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow,

John McCain looks like he's going belly up in the polls.  His crew is jumping ship faster than you can say "Captain Queeg."  What's going wrong? 

(Signed) Ned Spikovic

Dear Spike,

My confidential source in Washington is Bascom, a water spaniel, who hangs out at the Tidal Basin. He tells me that the "old salt" has been spending money like a drunken sailor.

Still I give McCain a few points for being a really hip guy, willing to spend over $18K at the Vegas Tabu Ultra Lounge, "a nightspot that's too hot to touch!" 

Why settle for "Bassett Hound" Thompson, "Mitt the Mutt," or "Rudy Tin Tin" when the GOP can have a real dog like McCain to growl and fetch for the Bushies.

(Signed)Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow,

I read that China is in trouble for selling adulterated food, toys and toothpaste products. Have any comments?

(Signed) Loyster P.Firestone 

Dear Loy,

An old friend of mine, a Foo dog in Beijing, tried one of the steamed dumplings that the Chinese now make from pulverized cardboard. He says they are almost as tasty as dog food. 

He noted that China's Pure Food and Drug administrator was recently executed for adulteration.  Let's hope we never have to resort to such measures for those adulterating in Washington. If we remove adulterators from the Republican Party how would they fill out their ticket next year?

(Signed) Your affectionate pooch, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow,

I noticed that the Queen of England during her visit to the U.S. did not come to Branson.  Are you disappointed? 

(Signed) Bob Cambrio 

Dear Brio,

How sad that the Queen only visits the edges of our country when the real America is in the heartland.  Back in Windsor Castle, she can walk around in her tiara and sash and eat cute little lamb chops anytime she wants.

But, vacations are for a change of pace and that's what we offer here in Branson, the cultural hub of the Midwest.  We can entertain her with yodeling, whittling, and fiddling, all-you-can-eat buffets, and the splendid company of our many showmen, real estate developers, and defrocked evangelists.

Who knows, her Royal Highness might love it in our placid, Ozark village and want to build a summer palace here away from the hubbub of London.

Cherrio, Yellow Dog 

 

Dear Yell,

What do you think of Attorney General Gonzalez and his forgetful nature while testifying before Congress?

(Signed) Savoir Faire

Dear Savvy,

The poor soul obviously has a memory deficit disorder.  I lost track of the number of times he said, "I don't recall."

I once knew a cocker spaniel with the same condition.  He kept burying bones and forgetting where he hid them. 

I do hope he seeks help.  My cocker friend did and now he only misplaces every third bone.

(Signed) Ta, ta, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog,

Do you get much spam?

(Signed) Kevin Cooley

Dear Kool Kevin,

Sadly, I never get as much Spam as I would like. It is a delicacy appreciated by so few today. I find it especially tasty when barbecued and served over risotto.

Opps! Roy tells me you're talking about unwanted emails. Yes, I am annoyed by emailers, not of my acquaintance, who want to enlarge my body parts or enhance my pleasure.

Here in Branson we have nothing but enlarged body parts and, of course, there is always Andy Williams to enhance our pleasure.

(Signed) Your affectionate canine scriber, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow,

I have not seen your profile on MySpace or FaceBook. You owe it to your adoring public to tell us more about yourself.

Signed) Sally T. Yearby

Dear Salty,

Alas, the shroud of mystery that has surrounded womankind for centuries is being cast aside by giddy girls eager to bare all.

As with Cleopatra, Greta Garbo and Lassie, my charm comes from an impenetrable mystique that makes me all the more wondrous to my many admirers.

As my dear mother used to say, "Keep the hounds guessing, honey."

(Signed) Ta, ta, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell,

I couldn't believe that Brittney Spears shaved her head! What's going on here? Any thoughts?

(Signed) Miller Gates

Dear Milly,

I shave to stay cool in the summer. Maybe Brittney wants to be cool, too. Then again, maybe she just wigged out. You know the old saying, "Hair today, gone tomorrow."

(Signed)Your affectionate canine friend, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog,

I read that Laura Bush described Barney as being so "obese" that she couldn't pick him up any longer. I know you're good buds with the presidential pet, what gives?

(Signed) Arlen Moskovitz

Dear Mosko,

Barney was crushed by Laura's crude and insensitive remarks...and after all the wonderful photo-ops he's given the First Family. He blames his condition on being fed all the sugar-coated crap that the White House dishes out these days.

Rather than take further abuse, I told Barney that he should turn in his resignation as First Pooch and come to Branson where his girth will not be looked upon with mirth.

We already have Irving, the talking dog, but he is lacking in political acumen. With Barney's background, I could get him a paying gig at the Circle B Chuck Wagon and Cowboy Music Show if he doesn't mind wearing a cute little neckerchief and packing a cap pistol.

As to housing, I can place him with any number of defrocked televangelists needing a wholesome, loving pet.

Your affectionate canine friend, Yellow Dog


Dear Scribe Warrior,

When we have a "mayoral" election, we elect a mayor. When we have a "senatorial" election, we elect a senator. When we have a "presidential" election, we elect a president.

So, when we have a "gubernatorial" election, why don't we elect a goober?

(Signed) Confused in Callaway County

Dear CCC,

Sometimes we do.

(Signed) Your furry friend for freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog,

So, President Bush is raising a half billion dollars to build a Taj Mahal presidential library in Dallas. Can you believe that?

(Signed) Timothy Beaumont

Dear Timbo,

As Vizzini in Princess Bride would say, "Inconceivable!"

At least, they won't need a lot of shelf space for the presidential book collection.

I am told that the basement will feature a state-of-the-art dungeon, with demonstrations of such non-torture techniques as water boarding, sleep deprivation, body wiring and stacking. Photographs will be allowed.

The sad part about the Bush library is that it will force us to remember what we'd like to forget.

(Signed) Your intrepid canine servant, Yellow Dog

Dear Ms. Dog,

It appears that the Bush Administration has done away with the word "torture"--just shooed it out of existence. Is that possible?

(Signed) Lamont Kennedy

Dear Monty,

 Anything is possible with this gang. In Bushspeak, war prisoners are now "enemy combatants," held in "detention facilities" rather than gulags, and subject to "interrogation techniques," instead of torture.

But let's look on the bright side. If they can speak torture out of existence, perhaps they can do the same for hunger, disease, injustice, or "unthinlyness," i.e., the state of being non-thin. (I just made that one up. Do you like it?)

Yes, language rules and he who rules determines the language.

Your cuddly canine friend, Yellow Dog


Dear Yellow,

I heard about a California woman who preserved her dead cat's DNA and had him cloned 17 years later. She paid $50,000 to have this done. Did she get her money's worth?

(Signed) R. T. Reingold
 

Dear Rhino,

I am curious. Did the copycat version show any ugly side effects? Remember what happened to poor Mr. Bigglesworth, the Angora that escaped with Dr. Evil in the cryogenic capsule, freezing off all its hair.

I don't mind being preserved, but I want assurances as to when I will be reconstituted. Imagine the horror of awakening during another Bush administration and finding yourself hairless, half-frozen, and without health care. Now, that's a nightmare.

(Signed) Your friend and scribe-warrior, Yellow Dog


My Dear Yellow-haired Friend,

Any ideas for getting out of Iraq?

(Signed) Arlen Murphy

Dear Murf,

I was discussing our Iraqi departure with ma petite chou, Pierre, a charming French poodle of my acquaintance. He is a great fan of Napoleon "Bone"-apart, as you might expect. Nappy practiced the art of "divide and conquer" so exquisitely. Using a similar tactic, we should divide Iraq into threezies: one part for the Kurds, one for the Sunnis, and one for the Shiites. (If the politicians can't figure this out, let the neighborhood moms do it. Having dealt with children in the sandbox, they understand the concept.)

Next, place the oil money in a trust and divvy it up proportionately among the three groups, after deducting a Liberation Tax to repay us for the billions spent on the war. Then, we announce that we have "conquered" the place and march out, thus, "divide and conquer." See how easy that was.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yell:

What are you having for Thanksgiving?

(Signed) Kitchen Warrior
 

Dear Kitch,

I am having the trendy turduckin with Creole dressing. It is a duck inside a chicken, inside a turkey. It's a three-fer that's all deboned, ready to cook, slice and serve.

Of course, I have no messy leftovers since I eat the entire thing at once. But, if you want to share with a family you can order one on line.

(Signed) Too-do-loo, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Doggie,

What do you think about the election outcome?

 (Signed) Zip-a-dee-do-da
 

Dear Zip, (Heckavu handle. Are you canine,feline,or bovine?)

I was so nervous on election night that I scarfed an entire bag of rawhide bones, chewed up two pairs of Ferragamo shoes, and gnawed the ankles of several mouthy Republicans.

 But, hot doggie, we made it to the winners' circle at last!!! I've been howling and leaping and pirouetting on my hind legs every time I think of the thumpin' we gave those Republicans last Tuesday. It was like taking the seat out of the pants of the neighborhood bully. It was such a gratifying and necessary thing to do.

(Signed) Your affectionate tailwagger, Yellow Dog

 
Dear Y.D.

Are you pleased with all the women in high places today?

 (Signed) Amanda Addington

Dear Addy,

What can I say...Pelosi, McCaskil, and moi, the Three Dazzling Damsels of the Democratic Party. I do hope we can get a photo of our trio downing a pitcher of Mojitos some evening soon.

Just call us "The Speaker, The Senator, and The Saavy Yellow Dog." What a political combo! Sounds like a movie title to me.

 (Signed) Your humble hound, Yellow Dog

P.S. Here's my advice, gals. Dress for duty. You will need football helmets, kick-boots, and blue velvet boxing gloves.

Dear Ms. Dog,

In the Virginia Senate race it comes down to voting for the porn writer (Webb-D) or the racist (Allen-R). Which do you suggest?

(Signed) Tonya Albert

Dear Tone,

Neither of these guys is exactly a Washington or a Jefferson, but one of 'em is going to the U.S. Senate for the next six years.

Here's my reasoning: at least Webb is a poor porn writer, whereas, Allen is quite good at racism. Then, too, Allen is a potential GOP presidential candidate, so it might be good to nip that in the bud.

 I'm just glad I live in Missouri where we have a clear choice. Go Claire!!

(Signed) Your adorable friend, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms.Dog,

What do you think of the current trend of dressing dogs in clothes? Do you clothe?

(Signed) J. Pierce
 

Dear J.P.

We canines were doing just fine au natural until some fashion mavens intervened. Those who once played with paper dolls have taken up "doggy dolling." Everywhere you look, there are Scotties and Westies in tartan plaid ponchos and Pugs in tutus or turtlenecks.

It's all too disgusting. Such embellishments hide our curvaceous lines and inhibit our natural inclinations. Wouldn't you agree?

My favorite adornment is neck wear, especially my Versace, rhinestone-studded collar that I wear for special evening events with "Killer," a Doberman pinscher, of my acquaintance.

(Signed) Your affectionate friend, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Y.D.

I read that President Bush signed the Secure Fence Act that calls for constructing a 700-mile fence along the US-Mexican border. But they didn't include any funding for the $6 billion project. The Homeland Security budget has only $1.2 billion allocated for fencing and barriers nationwide. At that rate, the wall may be 700 miles long, but it will only be two feet tall. What do you think?

(Signed) Minerva Smith

Dear Minnie,

This fence building is ridiculous, costly, and ineffective. We need to draft the Border collies, who are currently living in the lap of luxury in their cushy condos all over the country. What the hell good is a Border collie with no borders to guard? Give them cute uniforms like the Canadian Royal Mounties wear. Space those puppies along the border and watch those illegal wannabes hightail it south to Cancun, instead of El Paso.

I will, however, miss being able to get a decent taco Perhaps it's for the best. Frankly, I have always considered hot sauce a weapon of mass destruction.

(Signed) Your affectionate hound, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yell,

Did you read that Gov. Blunt thinks we should arm school teachers? That's his answer to school violence. What say you?

(Signed) S.Norton Meyer

Dear Snort,

I agree with "Kiddy-cakes,"(that's a term of endearment that me and the Governor use in our instant messaging. I do hope there is nothing indecorous about that, what with me being a dog and him an Episcobaptist?)

Frankly, I like the Governor's thinking on this one. By golly, let's arm our educators! Knowing that your teacher is packing heat would improve classroom discipline better than a ruler slapped across the knuckles ever could.

But let's make the weapons subject appropriate. Issue steak knives to Home Economics teachers and pitchforks to Ag teachers. Art teachers get a paint ball gun, while P.E. coaches get nun chucks. The Music director could use a baton that doubles as a switchblade. Principals need Gatling guns, though nuns and priests could get by with Roman candles, of course. You get the idea.

While we're at it, we should provide armaments for the animal world, too. Let us "Protect Our Right to Arm Bears."

(Signed) Ta-ta, Yellow Dog

 
Dear Yellow,

What are you doing to help Democrats get elected?

 (Signed) Minny O'Brien

Dear Min,

The Ozark Chapter of the Blue-Coated Underdogs for Freedom, (BUNDIES), met and endorsed the Democrats in the November election. We are also sending the proceeds of our annual Bone an Biscuit Sale to U.S. Senate candidate, Clair McCaskill.

I might mention that we now have uniforms--blue neck scarves and matching berets. Very chic! For a small fee, our Hind Leg Walkers are available for parades, picnics, and election night parties.

We are pawing to turn Missouri around. Let us lift a leg for freedom. We must all do our part to dampen the bushes.

(Signed)Your affectionate tailwagger, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Yell,

I can't believe what's going on in Washington these days. Now a Republican cover-up of the Rep. Mark Foley sex predator scandal. How low will these guys stoop to hold onto a congressional seat?

(Signed) R.I. Stassen:

Dear Stass:

Washington is a moral swamp needing to be drained. With these neo-cons, it's not about protecting kids or troops or families or the environment. It's about protecting power, predators, and petroleum.

November 7th is just around the corner. You know what to do.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog


Dear Doggy:

I think it's time to phase out in Iraq. What do you think?

(Signed) Monica Moreland
 

Dear Mo Mo,

Yes, our troops have done their share. It's time to rotate and replace. Let's call up the Potomac River Fife and Fiddle Corps--those who are most passionate about bush warfare and are currently strapped to their desks in Washington.

I know that the 101st Lawn Mower Brigade is combat ready. They have dashing uniforms--Prada knee-high boots, spike-topped helmets, and satin-lined capes. They cut quite a swath on the Tidal Basin during their maneuvers. (Excuse the pun.)

Let's get some flair and fashion into the war. I'm bored by the current fatigue design. Those sickly-colored, irregular blotches make our troops look like they're wearing a skin disease. Let's get with it, people, we can win this war if we become more hip and less hostile.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dog:

Have you had any contact with John McCain since he "abdicated" to the White House on the torture issue?

(Signed) Aaron Wesley
 

Dear Wes,

I have removed the ol' sailor from my Rolodex. He has sided with his captors in Washington--something he never did in Vietnam. His yellow submarine is no longer welcome in my port.

(Signed) Your affectionate friend, Yellow Dog

 
Dear Yell,

Do you have any advice for the Democrats in the upcoming election?

(Signed) John Wigmor

Dear Wiggy,

Democrats are such love muffins and their counterparts are vicious pit bulls with a sweet tooth. The Dems have been devoured in recent years at each election.

 I would urge upon these gentle souls the words of that deep thinker from "Blazing Saddles," Hedley Lamarr, who said, "I'm through being Mr. Goodbar, the time has come to act and act quickly."

But--may I add--they should also act wisely, justly, and with a pure heart, as becomes their instincts.

This is no time to chase tennis balls. As they say at the kennel, "Let us not paws in the work of freedom."

(Signed) Yours till the dogs come home, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Yello,(rhymes with Jello, right?)

The Muslims seem pretty miffed with Pope Benedict's recent remark. Any comment on this one?

(Signed) Web Wag

 Dear Webby. (I pardon your poor excuse for humor in order to display my forgiving nature--but don't try it again.)

 As to your question: Benny and I met many years ago when I was taking a few laps in a German beer garden near Munich. I asked him who had invented the umlaut.

We all know it was Dr. Evil's father who invented the question mark, but who the hell is responsible for those dots atop the German alphabet?

 

He was stunned by my inquiring mind and we spent the evening discussing Hellenistic astral mysticism. I found him to be a man of immense goodwill and a credit to the fatherland and the papacy. I am certain that the insertion of the offensive remark was the work of some Vatican terrorist, not Benny.

 

(Signed) Your humble servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dawg:

I was reading a book of Bushisms recently and saw where the president said, "If the Iranians were to have a nuclear weapon they could proliferate." What does he mean by that?

(Signed) Herman Fuller

Dear Hermie:

What a poignant observation by our Commando in Chief. He is absolutely right. Habitual proliferating of any kind is despicable. Excessive proliferation has been know to cause mutations in armadillos, infertility in polar bears, and a reduction in the gross domestic output.

 It is our duty to do all we can to bring wanton proliferations to justice. If they want to proliferate on Muslim soil that is their business, but we must never allow proliferating here in the home land. Let's all do our part.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

I see where Princes William and Harry have made the news again with their "pub"-licity stunts. Any advice here?

 (Signed) Mary Golden

 Dear Goldie,

Ahh, the royal pups are being a bit playful, are they? It is definitely time for them to be weaned. Send them to America where we can put their royal abilities to good use.

Here are a few openings suitable to their skills. Katherine Harris needs instructions on "How to Be a Royal Pain in the Butt and Still Be Lovable."

George Allen needs a travel companion with international sensitivity expertise. He will even give the royal brothers affectionate names like Willy Wonka and Hanky-Panky.

Also, the American Oil Moguls Convention is looking for a speaker on "How to Live Like Kings on Your Windfall Profits." Perfect.

The regal whippersnappers can yet make a worthwhile contribution to society if their talents are channeled properly.

(Signed) As Always, Yellow Dog

 Dear Yellow:

I hear that Paris Hilton was bitten by her pet Kinkajou, Baby Luv. I know you have celebrity contacts, what do you know about this?

 (Signed) Sherman
 

Dear Sherm,

Now, I don't mind a little ear nibbling among close acquaintances, but this sounds disgusting. We're talking about a over-sized rodent here--one with very sharp teeth that sleeps during the day. Who in the hell wants a pet like that? Sounds like a cross between a vampire and a Chihuahua.

From my experience I say beware of such species. Unlike canines, they are unstable and ungrateful.

 When seeking a home companion, write for my list of "Certified Pre-Owned Pets for Home and Travel." Each comes with my stamp of approval.

(Signed) Ta, Ta, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Y.D.

Should Lieberman get out of the primary?

(Signed) Jon Winston

Dear Winnie,

If this Connecticut primary had been a dog show, Joe would have gotten the second-place red ribbon for his office wall. But, alas, this is the cruel world of politics where the winner takes all. In the end, Joey couldn't even pull off Mr. Congeniality.

Joe, you have to know when to stop chasing the car and go back to the porch.

In my opinion, the Senator should become John McCain's vice presidential running mate. What a team of white-haired, hard-headed old men they'd be. The perfect Republican ticket.

(Signed): Respectfully yours, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Yell,

Do you think there's anything to global warming?

(Signed) Ken Keyes

Dear Kinky:

My friend, Vladimer, a Siberian Husky, says that his bobsled team has been shorn to the skin to keep them from over-heating. Now, when fur-bearing animals have to go about buck naked, looking like Dr. Evil's pet cat, that's a sure sign some thing's wrong with the global thermostat.

But as Captain Decider would say, "It's just too hot to think about that right now." So take my advice. Stay indoors, drink lots of Mojitos, and avoid over-exertion. It works for me. See...wasn't that easy?

Your faithful friend, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow:

Do you have any vacation plans this year?

(Signed) Amanda Fuerst

 
Dear Mandy:

I have an invitation from my dear friend, Barney, the White House pooch. He wants me to hang out with him in Crawford during the presidential family vacation. He tried to entice me--(that furry, little devil)--by saying there'd be plenty of bushes to pee on. What do you suppose he meant by that?

(Signed) Your most humble servant, Yellow Dog

 
Dear Ms. Dawg:

The Reverend James Dobson says "dogs aren't born mooing and people aren't born gay." Have you ever known a mooing dog?

(Signed) Lola

Dear Lolala,

Nooo...but I've know dogs to purr like a kitten and coo like a dove when under the influence of my seductive charm.

(Signed) Most affectionately, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yell,

Can you help me? I am a twenty-year-old frozen blastocyst no bigger than the dot at the end of this sentence. I have no education, no Social Security, and no right to vote. There are a half million "people-sicles" like me. My only hope is a future in medical research, which I find most appealing, but unavailable to me at this time. What should I do?

(Signed) Snowflake
 

Dear Flake,

Are you pulling my little yellow leg here? If you are for real, I have some good news for you. My friend Barney, the presidential pooch, tells me that the "Decider" is looking for homes for all of you guys.

If Republicans win the next election, he will commandeer all vacant uteruses to carry unused "people" such as yourself. So hold on awhile longer, little frozen feller, help is on the way.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Y.D.

Com'on now, do you really think Rick Santorum has a pick up truck? (Editor's Note: See previous letter below this one)

(Signed) Bewitched in Braymer
 

Dear B.B.

Well, by golly, if he doesn't, he'd better run out and get one. No self respecting neo-con would be caught without a pickup truck during an election year.

If need be, I can get him a "Mike Keough Deal," (wink-wink),through my doggie friend Bluster, who is close to the Blunders, (Blunt/Kinder)--the twins separated at birth but reunited by the Missouri Republican Party. Bluster, a folksy Cocker Spaniel, also is the "owner" of a fee office, under an assumed name, of course.

 But, I digress. Tell Little Ricky I can deliver the pickup on short notice.

 (Signed) Your loyal and faithful servant, Yellow Dog


Dear Yellow:

Did you see the picture of Sen. Rick Santorum delivering a speech in the U.S. Senate wearing a bright pink tie with a blue seersucker suit? Obviously, he doesn't get his fashion tips from you.

 (Signed) Howard L. Moore, Sr.

Dear Howie,

And such a pity it is. As the election approaches, he is striving for a debonair look to make himself more appealing to women voters. But, with a neon-pink tie following the route of his esophagus, he looked like a chart for a Pepto-Bismol commercial. I was waiting for someone to poke a pointer in his stomach to show how the pink liquid works in the digestive track.

 The poor soul is sartorially challenged. Let's hope that he will soon spill some Chinese carry-out on this bright-colored cravat. He can then relegate it to the back end of his pickup truck, where it can be used as a safety tie for protruding objects.

(Signed) Your affectionate friend, Yellow Dog

 

 

 

Dear Y.D.

 

Where have you been? Haven't heard from you in a while. Thought you might have re-located. If you're still around, what do you think of the new GOP website?

 

(Signed) Warrior Woman

 

Dear Ms. Woman:

 

It is good to be missed, especially by flying objects and extraneous kicks. I have been on vacation. We warriors of the written word must take a little R&R to sharpen our perspective, don't you agree?

I'm a bit of a tumbleweed, as you know by now, with a need to follow fresh scents and new paths. There is more to life than chew toys and cedar-filled doggie cushions, at least that's what Rambo, my adorable Doberman friend said just before we took off on our Spring fling.

As to the current Republican blogster: So far, he seems like just another GOP sock puppet with a room temperature IQ.

(Signed) Your most amiable pooch, Yellow Dog

Dear Y.D.

 Bush is sinking like a rock in the polls. With a 29% approval rating, don't you think it's time we helped him "out?"

(Signed) Barbara B. (no kin to the others)

Dear Barbie,

Shame on voters that it took them so long. If someone was whacking me across the chops everyday; putting surveillance devises in my kennel; giving the meatiest bones to the greediest dogs; and diminishing the rights of yellow-haired canines; I'd be standing on my hind legs, at the end of my leash, snapping and snarling for change.

When you've had enough, tap me a message on the genuine, brass, secret decoder ring that I'm enclosing--it's the only safe way to communicate these days. I will then round up the Blue-Coated Underdogs for Freedom-- the "Bundies," as we call 'em here in the Ozarks. In no time, we'll have the rascals on the run.

(Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Yell,

It sound like the righteousass Republicans are having a good old time tracing the phone calls of ordinary Americans. By the way, is it true that Osama has an unlisted number?

(Signed) Troubled

Dear Trub,

You're right, Americans are being tracked and sniffed like a coon dog in heat. I call these abuses of the Constitution--"Democracy Cuts." Unlike their "Tax Cuts," theses cuts effect all of us. It's time to stop barking and growling and bear our teeth in the cause of freedom.

(Signed) Your fiery friend, Yellow Dog

Hi Ms.Dog

What do you think of George Bush saying that the highlight of his presidency was catching a 7.5-lb. bass?

 (Signed) John Kipfer

Dear Kip:

What a cosmic coincidence! I, too, have had such an existential moment! I once caught a 7.5-lb. bass with my bare teeth, unassisted by rod, reel, or net. It was a profound, life-changing experience rivaled only by my romantic fling with LaRue, an apricot poodle that I met during an ocean voyage. But that's another story.

(Signed) Your furry soul mate, Yellow Dog


Dear Ms. Dog:

I read that some of the "Beltway Boys" are taking notice of the "Blunt Bandits." This should be an interesting tete-a-tete, don't you think?

 (Signed) Connie Gustav

Dear Gussie,

 Yes, the FBI has been sniffing the hydrants recently and now the Washington news hounds are hot on the trail. I'm sure the Blunties are quaking in their fee offices at the thought of these White House lapdogs dropping into River City for a few hours.

 The "Bloggin' Bloodhounds" will figure it out before they do. I will not spoil my summer with such pursuits, however. My friend, Marvin, a phlegmatic Border Collie, says: "Indict 'em all and let God sort 'em out."

 (Signed)Your cold-nosed, warm-hearted friend, Yellow Dog

 
Dear Ms.Dog:

I noticed that President Bush has finally come up with a some ideas for dealing with high gas prices. What do you think of his plan?

(Signed) Toto

 
Dear Toto (Really? How quaint.)

One of our local Pug dogs suggested that it might be worth adding a "values" element to the President's gas saving proposals.

 He suggested a point system that awards those who travel to desirable locations, such as church, a conservative political gathering, or a Branson theater. Travelers to the polls outstate would also earn points toward cheaper gas. Inner city voters, however, would be encouraged to walk or take the bus (Don't forget your new ID card or it may take more than one trip).

 What a precious idea! As my ole huntin' buddy, Dick Cheney, used to say, "It's like killing two birds with one stone."

(Signed) Your affectionate tailwagger, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Yellow One:

I'm angry about the Republicans trying to "card" Grandma at the polls. How do you feel about their new ID scheme to disenfranchise the old, poor, and minorities?

 (Signed) Marty O'Reilly
 

Dear Marty O:

 Why are humans so resistant to being tagged? We tag clothing, luggage, cars, plants, fish and dogs. Personally, I wear a locator tag on my Versace collar with all my vital statistics--though I do balk at the weight and age indications.

Among humans, we already tag hospital patients, soldiers, the dead, cocktail party goers, prisoners, government workers, and kindergartens. So we are only steps away from being an ID'ed nation already. Why go to the expense of a middle step just for voting? I say let's go straight to implanted ID/locater chips at birth.

 (Signed) Your intrepid friend, Yellow Dog

 
Dear Yell:

 I understand that President Bush revealed last week that he is a "Decider." What do you think of that?

 (Signed) Addison P. Clark
 

Dear Addy,

Yes, I heard that the prez came out of the closet, revealing that he has been a "Decider" for years. This is troubling to those of us who believed Rove and Cheney and Rumsfeld to be Deciders.

Frankly, I don't know if the American people will tolerate their president being a Decider as it runs contrary to the very values that shape this administration.

I do hope the President will get treatment, as this is a condition that can be cured. He was not born that way.

 (Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Dear Yellow:

I read where Rep. Cynthia McKinney (D-Ga) smacked a Capitol guard upside the head with a cell phone when he attempted to check her identity. What do you think of such antics by our lawmakers?

(Signed) Misty Iman

Dear Misty Eye:

Obviously, Cynthia showed poor judgment in not wearing her members' pin on a day she was sporting a new hair-do. Such changes in appearance are confusing to guards who take their job seriously.

I have had a similar experience after returning from the salon. With my new fragrance, clip, and painted toenails, I am often unrecognized as the layed back, unadorned internet star that I am.

Rather than prance through the studio gate wagging my tail and flaunting my rhinestone collar, I have learned to pause and nuzzle the guards. Perhaps Ms. McKinney might want to do the same.

 (Signed) Ever yours, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Ms. Dog:

The President threw out the first ball this week to mark the opening of the baseball season Are you a baseball fan?

(Signed) Cindy Bader

 

Dear Cinbad:

No,my game is Frisbee. I can leap three feet in the air and nimbly snag a well-thrown disk traveling at breathtaking speed. To witness my prowess, grace, and agility plan to attend the Branson Annual Frisbee Toss and Tennis Ball Chew.

It's a gala event that attracts dogs from everywhere. Which reminds me: Ann Coulter will be judging our howling, barking, and snarling contest this year.

I am sending you two free tickets to our Liverwurst Barbecue, which includes an all-you-can-eat spread on the lawn of the Kennel Club.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yellow Dog:

 I hear Le Guv is visiting France. Have you ever been to France and, if so, what advice would you give him?

(Signed) Nora Goodman

Dear Goody:

O'le Blue Eyes crooned my sentiments exactly: "I love Paris in the springtime...I love Paris in the fall."

While in Gay Paree, I frolicked in the Jardin des Tuilleries with Le Rue, a frisky apricot poodle who made my acquaintance aboard ship. What tender memories I have of our morning romps along the Champ Elysses topped off with a splash au natural in the River Seine.

He would whisper in my ear: "A jug of wine, a loaf of liverwurst, and thou..." Ahh, La Rue was such a romantic.

I do hope the Governor takes time from his busy wine-tasting schedule to have a spring fling in the park.

(Signed) Your well-traveled friend, Yellow Dog

 

Dear Yell:

Which canine breed would you liken Ann Coulter to? I say a Pit Bull. My friend says an Elk Hound?

(Signed) Rosemary Selby

 
Dear Rosie,

I am offended that you would try to equate Ms. Coulter to any of our breeds. Canines are sensitive, loyal, forgiving, lovable, and faithful. In my opinion, she is deficient in all those traits and, thus, unworthy of any comparison. She's yours. We don't want her.

(Signed) Your friend, Yellow Dog
 

Dear Yellow:

Did you follow the recent, so called, "Swarmer" military excursion in Iraq?

(Signed) Tom Gunston

Dear Gunny,

At first I was confused. Was "Swamer" a new killer bee flick? A clever name for a space heater? Or an upscale version of the Hummer?

Roy elucidated me. (We all need eluciation from time to time, don't we?) I got the impression that it was a Pentagon maneuver, testing the new Iraqi army's ability to inflict "shock and awe." Am I correct?

Frankly, I will be pleased when all combat is simulated, simple, and civilized. We must start by computerizing military battles so they can be conducted more safely, distantly, and at far less cost. Perhaps this is a beginning.

 (Signed) Yours in the mighty work of freedom, Yellow Dog

Hi Yello:

I listened to Katherine Harris tell Shawn Hannity that she will throw her whole $10 million family inheritance into her U.S.Senate race in Florida. Should she do such a drastic thing? BTW, my bull terrier, Hugo, is an admirer of yours and sends his regards.

 (Signed) Debbie Ann Little

 Dear Little Debbie,

No need to begin collecting sacks of bones for Katherine just yet. She only agreed to throw in Daddy's dollars, not Hubby's hordes (estimated at $20 mill). Win or lose, she will not likely miss a scheduled meal or face-lift.

 And, I might add that I am not the least bit envious of her long, thick lashes, tauntly-stretched cheeks, or her well-stocked portfolio.

(Signed) Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

P.S. Tell Hugo that I am an assertive Pisces, always ready for a fling or an affaire de coeur.

Dear Yellow Dog:

How do you feel about the port problem that's been in the news recently?

(Signed) Bud Krantz

 

My Dear Buddy:

 Frankly, I've not detected a problem with my port this year. Are we having some difficulty of which I am unaware? The last bottle I lapped down was quite pleasant.

 Incidentally, we produce excellent wines here in the Ozarks. Should your problem persist, please allow me to send you our Branson Sampler Basket. Just set out the beef-scented candles and the fine liverwurst pate for a perfect at-home evening with a special friend.

 (Signed)Your affectionate servant, Yellow Dog

P.S. Oops!...excuzee-moi. Roy tells me that I have misinterpreted your question. You speak of the outsourcing of our ocean ports to the United Arab Emirates, right? Now I don't mind some nice unterrorizing Arabs getting a little port action, but who are these emirates? I am suspicious. I say, if we can't trust Mexican emirates into our country, why should we trust those Arab emirates?
 

Dear Ms. Dawg:

Do you have a philosophy of life that you would recommend?

 (Signed) Ms. L. Fannon

Dear Fanny,

As you have observed by now, I am blessed with keen perspicacity, impeccable taste, and rare political acuity. I survive by the use of my rapier wit and superior intellect, with which I am amply endowed.

 I stay focused on the things that matter--the scent of fresh liver in the air; a well-flung frisbee; a wet-nosed companion snuggled with me upon my L.L. Bean doggie cushion.

My advice: Slow down and take time to smell the hydrants.

(Signed) As always, Yellow Dog

P.S. Any opportunity to nibble the ankles of an odious Republican also adds mea